My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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