Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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