all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
