The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
