i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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