My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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