the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
this beer tastes like vomit already
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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