Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
