I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
