But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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