he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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