I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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