chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My vagina is officially offended.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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