In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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