Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
