WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
