I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
