HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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