woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
