He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
