woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Holy shit dude........stairs
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
