How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
