Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
