I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
