k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
