the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
