I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
