I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
