life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This is my gift to your gina
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
