birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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