I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
