is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
