dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
