i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
