i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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