Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
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She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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