based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
