look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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