I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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