be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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