First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
