anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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