can u get pink eye on your cock?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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