did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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