i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
