omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
