My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
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He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
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day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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