if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
