I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
