no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
