just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
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well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
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Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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