If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
