between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
