I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
