Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
