I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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