I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
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At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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